20/20 Hindsight
Some of these games are so bad that I won’t even bother to look up the stats to
try and find a smarmy comment to make. Let’s just fight through this
mostly-horrific non-conference season and get to the real games, shall we?
Oklahoma 51 –
Miami 13
See. This is
why I want to wait until after the non-conference games before I make any
predictions. I take back all of the horrible things I said about the Oklahoma
Sooners and their new quarterback. Except the part about him being a freaky
looking cross-eyed monster, which I am saying right now.
Nebraska 20 –
Wake Forrest 17
This one was a
lot closer than most expected, and was a pretty exciting game. Unfortunately
for Nebraska, it isn’t going to get any easier.
Texas
A&M 47 – Fresno State 45
Oh dear,
where to begin? A&M stumbled out to an early lead, but let the Bulldogs play
catch-up, ultimately leading to a 3OT thriller. Actually, just because it went
into three overtimes doesn’t make it a thriller. Especially if you were one of
the people there in the 100+
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|
Jorvorskie Lane and E.J. Shankle celebrate their huge win over Fresno St. with a Horns down
symbol. Huh? |
degree heat for 4.5 hours. You may say I am not a “good Ag”, but it sure was great in my 77
degree house, even though it wasn’t in HD (bite me OneSource).
Still, the one thing that everyone is complaining about more than the heat is
the Aggies lack of a vertical passing game. Call me crazy, but I really don’t
see how throwing the ball straight up in the air is going to help us in the
least. Sure we have a 6’7” tight end that could jump up and rebound it, but
aside from having a ridiculous completion percentage albeit with an equally
ridiculous yards per catch average, it just doesn’t sound like solid football
strategy. Which means look forward to seeing how Coach Fran will implement it
this week against ULaMon.
Missouri 38 –
Mississippi 25
Chase Daniels
continues to show that he is the real deal in the battle of states that kids
can’t spell. Daniels amassed 396 yards and through for five touchdowns in a
game that started off like a breeze and then got ugly late. Not 3 overtimes
ugly, but ugly.
Northern Iowa
24 – Iowa State 13
Good grief
Iowa State is bad. Losing to a I-AA team should drop them out of the rankings.
Uh, yeah.
Baylor 42 –
Rice 17
Blake
Syzymyzyanskyzyiz does almost as much damage to the Owls defense as he would to
your Scrabble game, setting school records for passing yards and touchdowns.
This game had all of the drama of the headgear kid beating up the asthma kid.
Texas 34 – TCU
13
TCU shows they
are ready to play with the big boys, as long as the games are only 45 minutes.
Still, they put a good scare in the Longhorns and made for some interesting TV
before completely folding like a fitted sheet. Which is actually kind of hard
to fold, at least correctly.
Kansas 62 –
Southeastern Louisiana 0
I’m not even
going to justify this with a comment about the game. Kansas is trying so hard
to be bowl eligible by scheduling the absolute worst teams they can find. While
I guess it makes the alumni happy, it sure doesn’t make for good TV viewing.
Texas Tech 45 –
UTEP 31
Much like the
monsters from horror films, Tech showed that you should always finish the job
when you are ahead. UTEP ran out to the early lead, but failed to drive the
silver bullet through the mummy’s heart, leaving the Red Raiders to come back
and win by 2 touchdowns.
Oklahoma State
42 – Florida Atlantic 6
Dude. Weak.
Kansas State 34
– San Jose State 14
Nothing to see
here, folks.
Arizona State
33 – Colorado 14
At least
Colorado has the intestinal fortitude to play a decent opponent. Unfortunately,
they get the contents of their intestines beaten out of them
Around the Nation
Michigan
and Notre Dame continue to struggle. Two teams with such rich history are now
the laughing-stock of the NCAA. The good news is that one of them has to win
this week, and finally garner their first victory of the year. The bad news is
that one of them is going to be 0-3.
Longhorn Lockup
Well it
looks like the Aggies have passed the penal torch (that sounds painful) to the
Texas Longhorns. With Tyrell Gatewood’s arrest yesterday, that makes the 5th
arrest of a Longhorn player since June. Previous lawbreakers include Sergio Kindle and Henry Melton, who were busted for drunk driving, and Dre Jones and
Robert Joseph, who were pinched for aggravated robbery.
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|
Mug shot of the latest
UT arrestee, Tyrell Gatewood. |
What is
going on down in Austin? I realize this doesn’t only happen at Texas, but I
think that the laxity with which Mack Brown polices his program creates the need
for someone else to do it. Namely, THE police. I’m not here to bash Coach Mack
so much as I am to get on my soap box about these kids. You punks need to
straighten up. All of you. By playing college football, you are given a chance
to do something that thousands of fat slobs across America have always dreamed
of doing and would literally give their left leg to be a part of (not literally,
figuratively, it wouldn’t work very well if they did it literally). You are
being given a free education, a chance to prepare yourself for the rest of your
life, and instead you are acting like a complete moron and throwing it all away.
So, I am calling on the NCAA to crack down on this. Not just a one or two game
suspension. Pull the scholarship and give it to someone that deserves it.
Someone that runs a 5.4 40 yard dash. Someone that can’t jump over a phone
book. Someone that wants to be an electrical engineer and write stupid columns
for a rival website. Or his kid, so he can buy a boat with the college fund he
has saved up.
But this goes for you (us) nerds, too. If you are at school on an academic
scholarship, and you can’t seem to stay out of the pokey, then you shouldn’t be
paid to go to school either. They should take your scholarship and give it to
some fry cook that at least works hard and stays out of trouble. Or get me a
boat, either way.
So, this is something that really bugs me, and I am not picking on the
Longhorns, they just happen to be the ones in the news right now. But it does
explain why they seem to get all of the whistles going their way. The men in
stripes just feel like they are part of the team.
Big XII Is Like A Box Of Donuts
Occasionally, I will pick up a box of donuts on Friday to take into work.
Apparently, a 98 cent donut is inspiration enough to get people to show up for
meetings. (I am not important, I just have a lot of meetings.) Last week, I
noticed that the makeup of the box of donuts reminded me of the Big XII. Twelve
very different teams, 12 very different donuts. After considering which donut
represented which school, this is what I came up with.
Texas A&M
– This one is easy. It’s the one with all of the nuts.
Texas Tech
– Texas Tech is like a frosted bagel with wiener-shaped sprinkles and an eye
patch with the f-word on it. You’re wondering how I’m going to explain this one,
aren’t you? Well, it sure seems like a donut and it has a purely offensive
style, but no matter how much you look at it, it just isn’t quite something you
are used to seeing anywhere else.
 |
|
The Big XII is like a
box of donuts. Note: All donuts may not be represented in the Big
XII donut breakdown. |
Oklahoma
State – “We
want another one of whatever Tech is.” Only staler and with orange sprinkles.
Yeah, that’s us.
Kansas State
– Under Bill Snyder, the Wildcats were like a blueberry donut. Nobody really
loves it, nobody really hates it. It seems healthier than it really is because
it has blueberries, just like Kansas State seemed to be better than they were
because they scheduled weak teams and used a bunch of juco players. Now, they
are more like a cream filled donut, just waiting to be the spoiler, but never
being the first out of the box.
Iowa State
– This year’s Iowa State team is a powdered donut, because they are going to
disappear quickly and leave a mess behind. Kind of weak. The Missouri one
coming up is also weak, so I went back and spaced them further apart.
Nebraska
– Air Cornhusker reminds me of one of those glazed donuts without trans fats
that Dunkin Donuts is coming out with. It is a traditional favorite, but they
feel the need to rejuvenate by changing things up and they are getting rid of
the one thing that made them great. Yes, I just compared a football running
game to trans fats.
Kansas
– You may think that Kansas would be a cupcake. Not exactly true, they only
schedule cupcakes. They remind me of a cinnamon roll. A great big, sticky, 500
calorie cinnamon roll that swears at its players.
Oklahoma
– Chocolate frosted. Slick. Popular. Handled by a guy in a ridiculous hat.
Yet count on anything it touches ending up kid of dirty.
Colorado
– A pot brownie. Not that I had one of these in my dozen, but it just seemed
more appropriate than a lemon cruller.
Texas
– Based on their recent legal woes, the Texas Football program reminds me of a
jelly donut. On first glance, there appear to be no obvious holes in the
thing. However, once you look deep inside, you find nothing but an unhealthy
mess.
Missouri
- Kringles, because they are many people’s favorite in the North. Yeah, that’s
all I got. I’m pretty sure I had something better written down before, but
somebody (wife) threw away my notes. Not her fault, I wrote them on the back of
a torn up envelope.
Baylor
– The strange pink donut that they always seem to throw in there. Nobody ever
picks it, is just kind of rounds out the dozen.
Disagree? Email me your thoughts on what’s in your donut box, and I will list
the best ones next week. Heck, maybe together we can all come up with a great
list and then forward it to everyone we know and tell people that if they
forward it on to 20 people, then a nude picture of Lee Corso will pop up and
tell them who is going to win the Michigan – Notre Dame game. Yeah. Go
internets!
Looking Ahead
This looks
like the week of the season where everybody scrambles to schedule the worst team
they can find. This is one of those weekends where you are best served to just
put on the radio, listen to your favorite team, and get that yard squared away.
All times are in Central Time because that is where I live.
Oklahoma State
at Troy 7:30PM on ESPN2 (September 14th)
Why not to
watch: Dude, it’s Friday! Let’s party!
Why to watch: Your Magic: The Gathering group got the flu.
Iowa at Iowa
State 12:30 PM on VERSUS
It doesn’t
look to get any better as the Cyclones take on their INTRAstate rival, the
Hawkeyes.
Why to watch: Schadenfreude
Why not to watch: Lunchentime
Texas Tech at
Rice 2:00 PM on FSN
Why to watch:
To see if Tech can score 300 points.
Why not to watch: You hate arena football. Especially when it is played
outside.
(6) Texas at
Central Florida 2:30 on ESPN2
Why not to
watch: Non-Conference scheduling makes baby Jesus cry.
Why to watch: You’ve never seen a player get arrested DURING a game.
Utah State at
(3) Oklahoma 2:30 on PPV
Why not to
watch: You have to pay for it.
Why to watch: You won 30 bucks playing “The Lotto”
(1) USC at (14)
Nebraska 7:00 PM on ABC
Definitely the
best game of the week. Sure Nebraska will probably get blasted, but at least
both teams have a number next to their name.
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|
DON'T MISS OUT!!!
Showdown in Lawrence on Saturday between the Rockets and Jayhawks. |
Florida State at Colorado 9:00 PM on ESPN
Two one time
powerhouses that have struggled for the past couple of years. It is kind of
like watching Muhammad Ali fighting Britney Spears. (Psychoag does not advocate
violence against women. Even ones that are just barely women.)
Elsewhere
Western
Michigan at Missouri – Are you serious?
Texas State at Baylor – Seems fair.
Louisiana-Monroe at (25) Texas A&M – Four overtimes, anyone?
Toledo at Kansas – I’m guessing this isn’t even interesting enough to be on the
radio. Hope you have a telegraph.
Missouri State at Kansas State – I got nothing.
Mail Call
This week
I got a lot of emails that asked if I had a mailing list where I mail out the
column. Apparently, a lot of people are receiving The Weakly Retort by email
and want to see where it comes from. First of all, I think that is awesome, and
I greatly appreciate the fact that you enjoy my little labor of love enough to
send it on to your friends.
The answer is that I don’t have a mailing list. I may set one up to let you
know when the column has been posted, but out of respect to the owners of
RaiderPower (or any of the other fine Scout.com websites), I only put the column
up on the website in order to drive any traffic to their sites in thanks for
letting me have this chunk of cyberspace to spew my silliness.
You certainly aren’t forbidden from emailing the column to anyone, but I think
the powers that be would appreciate it if you just emailed a link.
Conclusion
Well,
that’s all I’ve got, folks. If you want to send me an email, you can send it to
psychoag98@yahoo.com Be sure to put WEAKLY RETORT in the subject line so I
can find it if it gets stuck in the SPAM filter. I really appreciate your
feedback and if you ask a question (about anything at this point) I will answer
it in next week’s column.
I know my former former boss only reads this to see what I will say about him,
so this week I won’t even mention him, just to show him who’s boss. See what I
did there? He won’t. He won’t read down this far.
Random shout out to “TENBOLLS” for being the fastest one on the draw in the
Raider Alley forum. And a very reluctant shout out to “parlayraider” who kind
of creeps me out a little bit.
If you want to comment and share opinions with the community, you can click
here to go to the
RaiderPower.com forum. (<--- or here)
Psychoag
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