Introduction
Another week,
another step closer to a new Aggie football coach. My top choices for an
upgrade:
- Tommy
Tuberville – most common name bandied about.
- Steve Spurrier – I hate the dewsh, but he would win.
- Steve
Carell – He wouldn’t win, but I like him.
- RC
Slocum – I think we are still paying him anyway and at least I am used to
saying “DAMMIT RC!”.
-
Roasted Pepper Hummus – Goes great with pita chips.
I’ve taken
some criticism for some of my grammar. Most notably from my former former boss,
who is some kind of freaking grammar nazi. He says I structure good word
usements, but I have a tendency to throw in an insane amount of incomplete
sentences. Like this. Or this. He is just going to have to do deal with it.
I write very stream of consciousness, and although I feel I spell very well and
do a good job at everything but the incomplete sentences, I rarely proofread and
apparently, I buy my commas at Costco. I like to sprinkle some extra ones in,
just for fun. I really don’t know where I am going with this (stream of
consciousness again), so put the lotion in the basket, and let’s look back at
the Big XII.
20/20 Hindsight
 |
| Mangino takes a page out of the Chase Daniel book |
Kansas 19 –
Texas A&M 11
Boy this
matchup didn’t live up to the hype. This game went into halftime with the score
tied 0 – 0. And not one of those, “smashmouth football, defensive battle, epic
struggle” kind of 0 – 0 scores, but rather one of those “blocked field goals,
can’t block anybody, offensive ineptitude” kind of 0 – 0 scores. But Kansas
has built a solid ranking by feasting on cupcakes, much as Coach Mangino has
built a solid cholesterol number by feeding on wheelbarrowcakes (something I
made up, but imagine a cupcake, only big enough to be made in a wheelbarrow,
that is the only conceivable way I can figure a man becoming that large), and
A&M’s 111th ranked passing offense was certainly no figurative
Lipitor. Kansas came out in the second half to score 19 unanswered points
before the Aggies threw up 11 of their own to try and make it interesting. I’m
sure Coach Fran threw up some of his Little Debbies after watching the lethargic
effort put forth by his team.
Missouri 42 –
Iowa State 28
Believe it or
not, the Missouri Tigers had some trouble separating themselves from the
Cyclones. That’s okay, so did Auntie Em. Mark, can I go back and delete that
or do I have to leave it in? That could be quite possibly the worst one-liner I
have ever used in The Weakly Retort. I must now go and flog myself like that
crazy Albino dude in The Da Vinci Code. Is it Albino-American or is it Anti-Pigmentite?
I was calling him crazy because of what he did in the movie, not because he
looked like a bleached Edgar Winter. I don’t want all you Albinoids out there to
gang up and send me blank emails. Oh, and Chase Daniel has an okay day, racking
up 250 yards and a touchdown, showing that he is still the elite quarterback in
the Big XII. Even if he eats boogers.
Colorado 31 –
Texas Tech 26
Meanwhile,
Graham Harrell throws four interceptions for the second week in a row as Tech
loses at home to Colorado. The Red Raiders actually had a chance to win this
game, but a carbon monoxide leak on the Tech sideline left them out of time as
they seemed to lack ANY urgency in the waning minutes. Of course, Mike Leach
spending timeouts like they were candy... Wait, no, what is going on here? I
meant: Mike Leach throwing around timeouts like a daycare teacher with PMS
didn’t seem to help things. If Tech would have had just ONE timeout left to
stop the clock on Colorado’s last possession, they would have gotten the ball
back with about 40 seconds left. And with Tech’s offense, they could have
scored three times.
Texas 28 –
Nebraska 25
This was
definitely the craziest game of the weekend. The Longhorns pulled their usual
“let’s see how bad we can suck and still win” routine, and actually trailed the
abysmal Nebraska Cornhuskers 17 – 3 in this game. Texas looked committed to
trying to run a balanced offense, even though it was getting them nowhere.
Finally, they went to the blueprint that Texas A&M and Oklahoma State laid out
in previous weeks and pounded the ball right up the cornhole. And man did they
ever. Jamaal Charles took a break from fumbling to rack up more yards than he
has
words in his vocabulary, finishing with 290, including 216 of them and 3 TDs
in the final quarter. I still do not understand how the Longhorns went UP in
the rankings after this game, or why they are even ranked in the Top 20 at all
after the way they have limped through the season. That just goes to show that
nobody watches the games anymore because they are in such a rush to get their
votes in. Why not just release the polls on Wednesday and give people time to
do research so we can avoid jokes like this?
Kansas State 51
– Baylor 13
Poor Baylor.
Poor Guy Morriss. Poor Richard’s Almanac. Poor those who scrolled down to read
what they thought would be an actual description of what had to be one of the
most boring games in the history of ever. I’m talking more boring than “The
Quiet Game” (which I never, ever won). Actually, it was 16 – 6 at the half, so
maybe it wasn’t quite that boring. Maybe more like “Red Rover” or “Freeze Tag”
or some other gay recess crap. At this point, I am wondering who will wind up
with a better Sunbelt gig, Guy Morriss or Dennis Franchione.
College Football Rules
 |
| Title IX protest |
The NCAA
committee finally did something right. No, we still don’t have a playoff, but
at least we got rid of the ridiculous clock rules that plagued last season.
Those could quite possibly go down in history as the dumbest sports rules ever
implemented. Even dumber than Title IX. (That’s right, bring it ladies.)
However, moving back the kickoff was a good rule. Not every drive needs to
start on the 20, and who doesn’t love kick return highlights? Still, there are
a few other rules that I would like to see added in the future.
First, go to the NFL play clock. After a running play, immediately start the 40
second clock. Don’t do what college does now, which is wait for the officials
to spot the ball and then start a 25 second clock. While officials are told to
take 15 seconds to spot the ball and blow it ready, and 25+15 = 40, this is
still inconsistently applied. Using the 40 second clock takes the guesswork out
of it.
Second, make intentional grounding an actual penalty. But it is a penalty, you
say? What is penal about it? It is spot of the foul, with a loss of down.
Hey, guess what the result of a sack would be? Spot of the sack, plus a loss of
down. The exact same outcome. There is no disincentive for throwing the ball
away, and you eliminate some of the most exciting plays in football. Back the
team up 5 or 10 MORE yards from the spot of the foul to make it an actual
penalty. That will make that QB think twice before chunking the ball away, and
will give those hard working D-linemen a little more stat-love.
Finally, and most controversial, I think you should allow teams to have as many
timeouts as they want. The only catch is, after 3, you get a 10-yard penalty
every time you call one. Imagine how this would change the game. Coaches would
have to manage the clock and field position in the 2-minute drill a totally
different way and I think it would lead to more exciting finishes. It would
allow teams to use the whole field with a few seconds left and no timeouts
remaining, instead of just throwing for the sidelines, knowing they could stop
the clock if they are willing to back up 10 yards.
Of course this wouldn’t help the defensive team nearly as much if they were
down, because a timeout would essentially hand the other team a first down and
they could just march down the field that way. But what if they adopted the
arena league rule that if you don’t gain positive yardage in the last minute
(two minutes in this case) then the clock stops. No more kneeling it out, and
say hello to more Baylor fumble-while-running-the-clock-out losses.
What are your rule changes? Send me an email at
psychoag98@yahoo.com and let me know. Together we can rule football rules.
Looking Ahead
Nebraska at
Kansas 11:30 AM FSN
Why to watch:
You finally want to see someone run the score up on Nebraska. Payback is a
beeyotch, isn’t it?
Why not to watch: If you rearrange the letters in “Nebraska” you get “Kansa Reb”
which is nonsense.
Who will win: Kansas. Big. Like 56 – 6.
Kansas State at
Iowa State 11:30 AM Versus
Why to watch:
To see if Iowa State can actually win a Big XII game.
Why not to watch: They won’t. Not this week.
Who will win: Iowa State. 37 – 28.
I was just
seeing if you were paying attention. K-State will smoke them.
Texas at
Oklahoma State 2:30 PM ABC
Why to watch:
This is actually a pretty intriguing matchup. Oklahoma State could be the team
to finally set the trap that the Longhorns don’t wriggle out of.
Why not to watch: You loathe orange. Be it burnt or traffic cone.
Who will win: Oklahoma State. 48 – 27.
Missouri at
Colorado 5:30 PM FSN
Why to watch:
The battle of Big XII North Teams that beat Tech is sure to not disappoint.
Why not to watch: You went to Tech.
Who will win: Missouri. 31 - 24
Texas A&M at
Oklahoma 7:00 PM ABC
Why to watch:
For some reason, this is a nationally televised game.
Why not to watch: You saw what happened against Miami. The coach’s pregnant
wife got more air time than the game itself.
Who will win: Oklahoma 62 – 17
Not on TV:
Texas Tech at
Baylor 2:00
Why not to watch: Dude. It’s NOT on TV.
Who will win: Tech. 56 - 45
Conclusion
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feedback and if you ask a question (about anything at this point) I will answer
it in next week’s column.
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Random Shout
Out: Everyone
who has sent me an email. Whether you are calling me a genius or an idiot, I
truly appreciate the feedback. I have gotten behind in answering, so if you
have sent me an email and haven’t gotten a response, my goal is to get to it
this week. I may even pick out some of the best/funniest ones and include them
in next week’s column. Unless you are an albino.
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Love,
Psychoag