Introduction
We all
continue to struggle with meaningless games in the non-conference schedule. Oh,
the teams aren’t struggling (except that durned Arkansas State game), it is the
fans that are struggling. Struggling to find something to watch. We now have
about 50 more games on every week, yet we seem to be finding less and less to
watch. It is the sports equivalent of subscribing to DirecTV. Sure you are
excited about all of the new stuff you have access to, but it is all stuff like
HGTV2 or Independent Film Channel, or The Waltons Channel. Real eye-pokey-outy
kind of stuff. So, let’s get on with it.
20/20 Hindsight
South Florida 37 - Kansas 34
An
interesting game that I didn’t watch. I really wish I would have because it
seemed like an interesting game. The Jayhawks lose on a last second field goal,
and I won’t give them too much grief because at least they played a ranked
team. Even if it is South Florida.
Iowa 17 -
Iowa State 5
Five
points? How often do you see someone score five points? The good news about
this is that there was a safety. I love the safety. It is one of my favorite
plays in football. Whenever a safety happens, you always know it is the result
of some wild-@$$ play. A blocked punt. A quarterback fumbling the ball in the
endzone and trying to pick it up. It’s always something crazy. And even better
is the way that it turns the entire defense into Barbara Eden as they clap their
hands of their heads and jump up and down just to make sure the referee fully
understands what has just occurred.
Very rarely do you see an entire squad of players get so animated doing an
official’s call. Could you imagine if the entire defense suddenly enacted the
chop block call?
It
would look like the dancing at my wedding. I just read the game recap and saw
that it was an intentional safety, which is kind of boring, so screw me.
Missouri
280 - Nevada 0
Actually,
that probably wasn’t the score, but after Missouri scored 14 points in the first
three minutes, I turned on some Saved By the Bell reruns and just mathed (made
up word) out the rest of the score. It was funny, too, it was the one where
Jesse got all hopped up on caffeine pills to study and missed her big show with
Zack Attack at the Max. Yeah, that’s kind of what I feel like every week when I
am writing this at 11:30 pm.
I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so…. Scared!!
(Editor’s
note: The score was really 69 – 17.)
Baylor 45
- Washington State 17
The Bears
win again, this time pounding an awful Washington State team. But the upside is
that the Bears are now 2 – 1, and nothing gets the fans excited in Waco like
winning. Except maybe tarring and feathering a bootlegger.
Oklahoma State 57 - Missouri State 13
Man,
wouldn’t Oklahoma vs. Missouri been a really entertaining matchup? A slugfest
between two of the Big XII’s top teams, battling for conference supremacy.
Yes. However, this was Oklahoma STATE vs. Missouri STATE, which had all of the
drama of a holepunch. And not even a 3-hole punch, but one of those handheld
bucktoothed alligator looking things.
Nebraska
38 - New Mexico State 7
Wow. Joe Ganz hit for the cycle, as he threw a touchdown pass, ran for a touchdown, and
then caught a touchdown pass. I’m really glad that God gave kids armpits so that
you can pick them up when they’re crying.
Texas Tech
43 - SMU 7
When we were
a kid, my brother and I used to pretend that SMU stood for “Smell My
Underwear”. I just realized that I typed “when we were a kid” which implies
that my brother and I were Siamese twins. It makes the story even stranger
since I went to A&M and he went to Tech. I’m not going to go back and correct
it, because it is one of the only funny things I have written in this stupid
thing, and it wasn’t even intentional. Meanwhile, the Red Raider offense gets
back on track as Harrell throws for 5 TD and 513 passing yards, making a whole
bunch of Aggies who just got through frantically clicking refresh for 15 minutes
to by tickets say “Crap. I wonder what they would fetch on Ebay”.
Oklahoma 55
- Washington 14
Bradford
inexplicably continues his assault on passing stats, this week going 18 for 21
for 304 yards and 5 touchdowns. He then got bored and ran one in just for toots
and giggles as the Sooners mercilessly pound yet another non-conference
opponent.
Elsewhere
in the League:
Air Force 31 - Houston 28
Sure, this
looks on the surface like just another hard-fought college football game that
came down to the end. Well, it did, but when you look at the game statistics,
you realize that this game was completely jacked up. Sure it was moved because
of Hurricane Ike, but the weather wasn’t much better in Dallas. This led Air
Force to abandon the passing game, and when I say abandon, I am talking put it
in a wicker basket with a bottle of milk and a cloth diaper and leave it at the
fire station kind of abandon. Air Force finished the game with 380 rushing
yards, and ZERO passing yards. ZERO. This is the AIR Force, people. Do you
know what kind of a passer rating you get with you go 0 for 7 passing for ZERO
yards? I’m not sure, but if it were a food, it would be “candied goat anus”.
My 98 Cents Worth
One thing
that I have a fascination with is the way that people’s opinions of a player
change, based on what jersey they are wearing. I thought my Aggie brain would
explode at the thought of Zach Thomas playing on the Dallas Cowboys. This is
the player that single-handedly set off the chain reaction that has led to seven
straight Aggie losses in Lubbock. Easily one of the most hated players in
Aggieland. But as soon as he put on that Cowboy star, I began pulling for him
like as if he were my favorite player.
Yet, I’ve noticed that I do the same thing with other Big XII players. Even
ones that don’t play for the Cowboys. I pull for Wes Welker on the Patriots.
Roy Williams on the Lions (I can’t stand the Roy Williams on the Cowboys, but
that is because he has blown so many coverages they had to wire his jaw shut. I
don’t know what that means.) I would pull for Baylor players if any of them
ever got drafted. No, Mike Singletary doesn’t still count.
You will notice that Big XII players in the pros seem to follow their school’s
theme. Tech players are the underrated types that work hard and blossom into
solid players. A&M players are ones that don’t pan out and seem to keep ending
up in Canada. Oklahoma players tend to be a little more spread across the
spectrum with Adrian Peterson on one end, and Roy Williams on the other. Then
you come to Texas where the cupcake atmosphere in Austin turns them into
complete freakshows in the NFL. First Ricky Williams puts on a wedding dress
and quits football to smoke the chronic, and now Vince Young is tired of getting
booed and doesn’t know if he wants to play football anymore.
Looking back, this is one of the worst bits of writing in the history of
anything. I failed to make any sort of cohesive point, and in fact made three
distinctly separate partial ones. There was only anecdotal evidence for any of
them and it wasn’t even all that entertaining. I now feel a bit like
Billy Madison after explaining how the puppy lost his way.
Looking Ahead
Colorado
vs. West Virginia 7:30 PM Yesterday
In case you
TiVoed it, I’ll go ahead and tell you that Colorado won.
Baylor at
Connecticut 7:00 PM Friday on ESPN2
Survey
says: Check this one out. Not many other games on as the resurgent Bears are
suddenly playing on Friday all the time (Editor’s note: This is the second
time).
Who will win: Baylor 42 – 24 because I know absolutely nothing about
Connecticut. Except how to spell it. Scoreboard for me.
Miami at
Texas A&M 2:30 PM Saturday on ABC
Why to
watch: Probably the game of the week, which isn’t really saying much.
Who will win: Miami 22 – 10. A&M’s offensive offensive line + Miami’s
speed on defense = a long day for the Aggie backfield, no matter who is playing
quarterback.
Kansas vs.
Sam Houston State 6:00 PM on FCS
Why not to
watch: There is no saving grace to this game whatsoever. It will be a
merciless pounding, and a boring one.
Why to watch: It is during dinner time, and shots of the Kansas sideline will
keep you from going back for seconds.
Who will
win: Uhh, Kansas 57 – 3.
Texas vs.
Rice 6:00 PM on FSN
Why not to
watch: The game will suck, and so will the broadcast quality.
Why to watch: Who knows what you will see in the stands this week? It is like
really really low budget scrambled porn.
Who will win: Texas 48 – 20
UNLV vs.
Iowa State 8:00 PM on MTN
Why to
watch: To get a head start trying to knock out that insomnia.
Who will win: All who don’t watch.
In other non-TV games, Missouri will pound Buffalo and Tech will pound
Massachusetts. Both teams should be embarrassed. I could see either Tech or
Missouri putting up 70.
In Conclusion
Yeah, this
week the bag was kind of empty so I threw in a few cheap links to youtube videos
that I didn’t make. I think this floating around without an official team is
really getting to me. It makes it tougher to get excited for a game when I am
busy maintaining journalistic integrity and enjoying my retirement while not
selecting anyone to root for. I will do something about this soon.
As always, I love your emails and appreciate your comments (good or bad) at
psychoag98@yahoo.com . If you want to discuss this column with people that
aren’t me, you can do so on the Raiderpower forums
here.
XXX OOO,
Psychoag