Introduction
I’ve
gotten several emails from people asking my why I bother making predictions if
I’m not going to go back and review them. Actually, I haven’t gotten those
emails, but there is no way of you knowing that, short of this admission, so I
am going to pretend I got them to segue into something I was going to do
anyway. Starting this week, I will be including my prediction for the game from
the prior week in the 20/20 Hindsight so we can see just how little I know about
football, and why the only thing I will bet on is video poker. I’m only going
to include it for posterior’s sake and won’t dwell on it because A) This is not
a gambling newsletter so I don’t want anyone blaming me because they lost all of
their money taking my worthless advice. Don’t worry, just pretend you lost it
all on subprime mortgages and someone will surely bail you out. And B)
listening to someone else go on and on is about as exciting as listening to
someone telling you how awesome their fantasy football team did, or telling you
a dream they had about former Rangers centerfielder Oddibe McDowell making
pictures of cabbage with a Lite-Brite. (No, I have never had that dream. Yet.)
20/20 Hindsight
Madlib:
Think of a body part and a farming implement. Yeah, I think you see where this
one is going…
Texas A&M 21 - Army 17
My prediction: Texas A&M 24 -
Army 20.
Oh dear. A&M squeaks by a winless Army team in what may be their last win of
the season. The Aggies looked completely dumbfounded by the option which
strikes me as odd because it was the offense they essentially ran for the last
four cawdang years. Army completely dominated in the meaningless time of
possession stat, 36 minutes to 23 minutes, which was more lopsided than the time
I played “keep away” with the kid down the street with the asthma and the
“Magic: The Gathering” T-shirt. Army finished the game with one completion for
four yards giving false hopes to A&M’s pass defense rating.
Florida State 39 - Colorado 21
My prediction: Florida State 6
- Colorado 3
Well, either Florida State kicked 13 field goals or they decided to start
scoring some touchdowns. Bobby Bowden, who has been coaching at Florida State
for 33 years, which is longer than I have been alive, won his 376th
career game, briefly tying Joe Paterno for most wins as both coaches have now
taken to standing around on the sidelines without even wearing a headset as they
rack up victories and check their lunchboxes for Fruit Roll Ups. I’m not really
sure what I meant by that, but I’m sticking with it because I am a maverick.
Texas 52 - Arkansas 10
My prediction: Texas 56 -
Arkansas 14
Good grief Arkansas sucks. And I don’t mean like sipping through one of those
little straws you get with a Jack and Coke that is really supposed to be used
for stirring, I’m talking full bore 20-story shop vac kind of sucks. Ever since
any somewhat serviceable player on the entire team bolted and they brought in
one nut to replace another Nutt, they haven’t been able to do anything. Mack Brown continues to find success with the “one-man offense” concept as Colt McCoy
again puts up ridiculous numbers completing 17 of 19 for 3 TDs and rushing for 2
more. I can’t wait until he goes to the NFL and decides to only conduct
interviews in Sanskrit while wearing one of those Carmen Miranda fruit hats and
a sequin jumpsuit.
Kansas State 45 -
Louisiana-Lafayette 37
My prediction: Kansas State 23
- ULaLa 14
The Wildcats get into a slugfest with the Rajun Cajuns in a game I care less
about than I do Fox’s new game show “Hole in the Wall”. And that is saying
something. Which is why I’m saying nothing.
Oklahoma 35 - TCU 10
My prediction: Oklahoma 48 -
TCU 10
See, I told you. All of those people that claimed TCU was going to go in and
shock the Sooners were dead wrong. TCU brought in their top-ranked defense and
OU proceeded to jump all over them early and never look back. Believe me, I
don’t like the fact that the Sooners are doing well, but let’s face it, Captain
Stooping one has got his crimson love boat under control (one of the dumbest
things I have ever written). I guess TCU can take solace in the fact that they
held the OU juggernaut to only 25 yards rushing.
Oklahoma State 55 - Troy 24
My prediction: Oklahoma State
28 - Troy 14
Oklahoma State continued its offensive onslaught hanging two nickels on I-AA
Troy. You know what, you play a I-AA team and you get madlibbed. Even though
Oklahoma State scored a bunch of points, I would still rather get my (body part)
caught in a (farming implement) than sit through this.
Virginia Tech 35 - Nebraska 30
My prediction: Nebraska 35 -
Virginia Tech 17
This game was bittersweet in that it had something I loved, a blocked punt for a
safety, and something that makes my stomach churn, announcers using the phrase
“Beamer Ball”. The Huskers never led in this one, including at the end, which
is why they ended up losing. That right there is some hard hitting football
commentary.
My 98 Cents Worth
This
part is going to be a bit shorter than usual because I spent an hour and a half
watching the Vice-Presidential debates hoping for a train wreck that never
happened. No, Joe Biden didn’t talk about Abraham Lincoln posting about the
moon landing on his blog, and Sarah Palin didn’t think that the Constitution was
the kind of breakfast that you get at budget motels. But it did get me
thinking. Who would I like to see debate?
At first I considered RC Slocum and Spike Dykes debating the merits of the
Southwest Conference, but I decided I wouldn’t want to weed through the
subtitles. I thought about Vince Young debating Ricky Williams over who was the
bigger NFL bust. I even thought about Bob Stoops and Steve Spurrier arguing
over who looks dumber in a visor. But finally, I decided that the debate that
would intrigue me the most would be Mike Leach and Mike Gundy arguing over who
had the better mascot. It really doesn’t matter WHAT they are arguing over, but
the sheer dichotomy of personalities on display would be worth the price of
admission. Gundy ranting and raving, spittle flying from his mouth, while Leach
just kind of blankly stares at him condescendingly. It would be like a
hummingbird getting in a fight with a dead parakeet.
Looking Ahead
Thank
the Almighty for conference play. Now I will only have 6 games per week to make
up smarmy comments about. Believe me, it is a lot harder than it sounds. It
always seemed so easy in Ms. Hyepock’s 3rd grade class, when all it
took was a mere reference to human flatus or, if I were feeling really daring, a
good joke focusing on defecant. Now, the public wants more. They want incest,
morbid obesity, optical deformities, and of course nut-squeezin’.
Looking ahead, there are a whole lot of ranked teams in the Big XII, including 3
in the top 5, and 4 in the top 10. That’s a power conference baby. But, given
that, except for OSU, all of the ranked teams play on the road, this should be a
good week to see at least one upset. Not to kick my hosts in the crotch, but I
think that it will be Texas Tech on the road at Kansas State. More below.
Kansas (16) at Iowa State 11:30
AM
Why to care: Not applicable.
Who will win: Kansas 38 – Iowa State 14
Oklahoma (1) at Baylor 11:30 AM
on FSN
Why to watch: To see what Baylor
can bring against the mighty Sooners.
Why not to watch: Baylor can get as excited as they want, but in this case, the
Bears are no match for the menacing covered wagons.
Who will win: Oklahoma 50 - Baylor 20
Where I came up with those numbers: Pulled them out of my, you know.
Texas Tech (7) at Kansas State
2:30 PM on ABC
Why to watch: Upset potential as
Tech tends to struggle on the road. If Tech can scrounge up a good short
yardage punter, then the tide may turn.
Who will win: Kansas State 28 - Texas Tech 21
Texas A&M at Oklahoma State (21)
6:05 PM
Why this will be a killing:
Oklahoma State offense = FTW, Texas A&M defense = teh suck.
Why this will be extra painful: My former former boss the sportstard will
suddenly start talking smack after he finds out that his school beat my school.
Of course, he will only know if I tell him.
Who will win: Oklahoma State 45 - Texas A&M 21
Texas (5) at Colorado 6:10 PM on
FSN
Why to watch: This is also an
upset candidate as Texas is playing Colorado on the road in a night game the
week before the big OU game, none of which bodes well for the Longhorns.
Colorado also has a whole bunch of weed.
Who will win: Texas 31 - Colorado 28. The lack of a running game for the
Longhorns keeps this close, but they pull it out on a late field goal by Colt
McCoy (why not).
Missouri (4) at Nebraska 8:00 PM
on ESPN
Why to watch: Night game in HD on
ESPN. The game won’t be particularly entertaining, but it will look good. The
football equivalent of a drill team.
Who will win: Missouri 42 - Nebraska 21
In Conclusion
Fortunately, we are heading in to Big XII play, so the games will actually start
meaning something. This also means that unless I start padding this thing it is
going to get considerably shorter as the number of games each week essentially
cuts in half. Look for even more non sequitur bullcrap and venting on random
topics. If you have a topic you would like to see partially addressed and then
abruptly terminated, shoot me an email and let me know.
I may have missed some stuff or made some errors, but that is because I don’t
proofread. Proofreading is for those swishy hipped fellas with the horn rimmed
glasses.
As always, I love your emails and appreciate your comments (good or bad) at
psychoag98@yahoo.com . If you want to discuss this column with people that
aren’t me, you can do so on the Raiderpower forums
here.
Adios. Mofos.,
Psychoag