Introduction:
This week brought us the joy of the first game of conference play, a
close matchup of ranked opponents, and another week of otherwise paintdryingly
boring nonconference games. Still,
with each passing week, we get closer and closer to full-on conference schedule,
which means I only have to think up six witty comments each week.
Have I mentioned before how much I hate pansy nonconference games?
Almost as much as I hate spiders,
In fact, I hate just about everything with eight legs.
And that includes barbershop quartets and a dinner party with Ryan
Seacrest and the Kardashians. If you
want a see a spider get his butt whipped by a wasp,
check this out.
But if you want to get a vague idea about what happened in the Big XII
this past weekend with about as much sports information as SNL’s Weekend Update
has news, then keep reading.
20/20 Hindsight:
Kansas 44
- Duke
14
Jayhawks
quarterback Todd Reesing leads a route of the Duke Blue Devils as he throws for
338 yards and a trio of touchdowns, while adding another 51 yards on the ground,
in an effort that led to him referring to last Saturday as “the greatest day
he’s had all year.” Unless you count
that one Tuesday back in March where he Out-Whataburgered Coach Mangino.
I mean, come on, that’s saying something.
Missouri 52
- Furman
12
The Tigers pop open an icy cold six-pack of touchdowns, including four in
the second quarter alone, as they make short work of an unfortunate team whose
name sounds like something on Glen Quagmire’s license plate.
Colorado 24
- Wyoming
0
How bad had things gotten in Colorado?
Apparently Marcus Burton, the senior captain, was called out in class by
a geology professor. I can only
imagine what witty gem was hurled toward the beefy linebacker.
“You may think you are igneous, but lately, your play has been
nothing but sedimentary. Hahahahaha.
Bully for me. Oh, I so love rocks.” But they were able to get their first
win of the season against Wyoming, whose two claims to fame are being the
sort-of home of Dick Cheney, and almost leading the Longhorns for half a game.
Oklahoma 45
- Tulsa
0
The two secrets to surviving life without your Heisman-candidate quarterback
are 1) don’t allow the other team to score and 2) play Tulsa.
I’m really not sure which seemed more out of place, the Tulsa offense or
their mascot, the “Golden Hurricane”.
I’m pretty sure the only other more mismatched mascot to its location is
the Utah Jazz. Short-timer backup
redshirt freshman Landry Jones, who is one “u” away from actually being a red
shirt, sets a school record with 6 TDs.
Virginia Tech 16
- Nebraska
15
Air Husker runs into a bit of a roadblock (okay, that doesn’t make sense,
but I am leaving it) as the Hokie defense holds them to 11/30 passing with only
136 yards and two interceptions.
Yet, still the Cornhuskers were able to stay in the game, even while staying out
of the endzone, on the leg of kicker Alex Henery, who booted five field goals,
despite having to carry the weight of the extra “e” in his surname.
Connecticut 30
- Baylor
22
The Baylor
Bears, a team that everyone picked to be a rising star in the Big XII South came
crashing back down to the town from Footloose as they fall to the UConn Huskies.
Oklahoma State 41
- Rice
24
The OSU Cowboys got their revenge by beating up on the other team from
Houston, and the only college named after a food that I know of.
The game was played in Stillwater at T. Boone Pickens Stadium, which
sounds like a made up name from a spaghetti western to me.
Still, my former former boss the sportstard went there and I relish in
the fact that he is not enjoying the win because he probably has no idea it is
even football season.
Texas A&M 38
- Utah State
30
The Aggies rolled out to a comfortable lead behind the tandem of Jerrod Johnson and Uzoma Nwachukwu, a name that totally rocks in Scrabble and is
actually easier to pronounce than former runningback Jorvorskie Lane’s.
Unfortunately, it got very dicey in the fourth quarter as Utah State
scored twice with just over five minutes to play and actually recovered an
onside kick with a chance to go down and tie.
I’m sure the tension in the stadium was not adequately conveyed via my
Blackberry as I sat and watched the screen refresh in 30 second increments,
however I simply could not endure the mental gymnastics required to follow a
game called by Dave South where both teams are the Aggies.
Iowa State 34
- Kent State
14
In a game that had more turnovers than that little mirrored shelf at Arby’s,
the Iowa State Cyclones finally broke their road losing streak by taking down
the Kent State Golden Flashes. Other
than that, nothing really all that interesting happened.
Seriously. Even the guy from
ESPN that wrote the game summary could only manage a couple of paragraphs.
And he’s a professional.
UCLA 23
- Kansas State
9
My how the mighty have fallen.
Despite the return of “Juco Aficionado” subscriber Bill Snyder, the Wildcats are
looking more like the LOLCats as they continue to struggle, dropping to 1-2 on
the season.
I have a feeling that for
KState fans this is kind of like getting back together with your ex-girlfriend,
only she has gained about 40 pounds, has a moustache, and suddenly won’t shut
the hell up about Scientology.
Texas 34
- Texas Tech
24
In a game where everyone expected fireworks, both teams went into halftime
without scoring an offensive touchdown.
In fact, even after all was said and done, the young lad from the
centerfold of Musburger Weekly had a very pedestrian outing with the Colt
throwing two picks and only one touchdown.
I don’t know which is more disconcerting, the fact that Brent’s middle
name is “Woody” or that he has an action figure.
After the game, McCoy chalked his poor performance up to missing practice with
“flu-like symptoms”, while Tech quarterback Taylor Potts was able to put up
stout numbers, passing for 420 yards and three touchdowns despite suffering from
“roughing-the-quarterback-like symptoms”.
My 98 Cents Worth:
Ran up against a bit of a deadline.
I will try and write something up later in the day and backfill.
Be sure to check back. I will
post on my Facebook site when I have it updated.
Couch Potato’s Guide:
TELEVISED GAMES
Missouri at Nevada 8:00 PM Friday on
ESPN
Why to watch: You don’t have
either a kid in high school or a date, or have to act as a chaperone for your
high school kid’s date.
Who will win: Missouri
48 double downs to 24
Southern Miss at Kansas 11:00 on FSN
Why to watch: So you can wonder
aloud who would win the Big XII coaches version of Biggest Loser.
Who will win: Kansas,
38 Jillian Michaelses to 24
UTEP at Texas 2:30 on FSN
Why not to watch: The last time
these teams played, the camera man decided to zoom in on a young lady in the
stands getting handsy with her beau.
I have a feeling that with the game in Austin, the scene won’t be quite so
amusing.
Who will win: Longhorns, 49 Hanjes
to 10.
ULaLa at Nebraska 6:00 PM on FSN PPV
Why not to care: The masochists
from Lafayette take on yet another Big XII foe.
Who will win: Nebraska, 35
centerfolds to 19.
Texas Tech at Houston 8:15 PM on
ESPN
Why to watch: This is the only
game remotely interesting.
Who will win: Texas Tech, 42 eye
patches to 28
OTHER GAMES
Kansas State at Tennessee Tech 1:10
PM
Why not to care: No pirates at
this Tech.
Who will win: Kansas State, 20
buck-toothed myopates to 3
Army at Iowa State 6:00 PM
Why not to care: Because I
don’t. How’s that for you?
Who will win: Iowa State, 28 Ho-hums
to 14
Oklahoma State at Grambling State
6:00 PM
Why to care: Grambling has a
pretty good band
Who will win: Oklahoma State, 40
year-old mans to 6l
Northwestern State at Baylor 6:00 PM
Why not to care: Because I don’t
even care enough to come up with a reason not to care.
Who will win: Baylor bounces back,
21 Daddy’s BMWs to 17.
UAB at Texas A&M 6:00 PM
Why not to care: The Aggies
still have yet to play a televised game.
Who will win: Texas A&M 38 Staticky
AM Feeds to 10.
Conclusion:
Well that is it for this week.
Not much of merit going on this weekend, so probably a good time to get
honeydos done during the day so you can tune into the Tech – Houston game which
is the only one worth watching.
I want to thank the 44 of you that are the inaugural class of my Facebook page.
I will try and let you know when columns and videos, etc. are posted, as
well as start meaningless discussions during the week that may get incorporated
in to the column. If you are on
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