Weakly Retort

PsychoAg joins us again for another edition of the Weakly Retort. A fan favorite since 2005, the Retort takes a light-hearted look at the college football landscape, with a specific emphasis on the Big 12.

Introduction:

This week was definitely sucky, if I may use a word that Microsoft Word keeps wanting to replace with sulky, which I suppose is also correct.  First, the Aggies rolled into their first of ten matchups with Arkansas and got their hindquarters served up on a rotisserie, more on that later.  I will admit that Jerryworld is a strange venue for a college football game.  I don’t know if it was the eerie artificial lighting that I swear is because they must be using those squiggly light bulbs that Al Gore keeps telling everyone to use or else the polar bears are going to get hemorrhoids or something like that.  Maybe it was the overcast rainy day that completely ruined any semblance of tailgating.  Or maybe it was just the fact that my team jumped out to a lead and then doodied their sheets that put me in a foul mood.

Of course, the Cowboys didn’t help things.  Normally, I can count on them to bail out the sports-weekend by winning when the Aggies lose.  Instead they went up to Denver and got Mile High clubbed over the head in a game that almost made me wish we had Jessica Simpson back.  Almost.  At least the mention of her should help this pop up in some Google searches, much to the chagrin of the US Magazine aficionado that has no interest in what I have to say about sports.  So, with all of that said, let’s grab our turkey basters and get ready to Octomom.

20/20 Hindsight:

West Virginia  35  -  Colorado  24
The Buffali resume their trend of heading in the wrong direction as they seek the 10-win treasure that Coach Dan Hawkins promised the Colorado faithful.  At least when Christopher Columbus went to the wrong place, he discovered a new world.  The best that Colorado can hope to find is a bowl season sitting at home eating cranberry sauce that is still in the shape of a can because their grandmother was too lazy to even cut it into slices.  The fact that Dan Hawkins’ son is the starting quarterback won’t make the meal even slightly uncomfortable now will it?  As for the game itself, West Virginia found success on the legs of Devine.  No, not the drag queen.

Noel Devine, the running back who torched the Colorado line for 220 yards, including runs of 77 yards and 56 yards.  Meanwhile, Cody Hawkins, despite throwing two touchdowns, also tossed three interceptions, no doubt relegating him to the kids table eating macaroni and cheese and jello instead of turkey and dressing, a detail I included only to see how many commas I could fit in one sentence.

Kansas State  24  -  Iowa State  23
Never has there been so much drama with so little interest, unless you count the whole Jon minus Kate divided by eight saga.  The two Big XII North powerhouses squared off at Arrowhead stadium in front of a paltry crowd of 40,000 causing the two athletic directors to rethink the two-year deal, or at least consider promising a guest appearance by William Hung and a free flu shots next year.  But for those that showed up, they actually got to see a pretty exciting game.  No team led by more than a touchdown at any point, and the play of the game was after Iowa State scored with 32 seconds remaining to seemingly tie the game, only to have the extra point blocked.  FAIL.

Texas Tech  48  -  New Mexico  28
The Red Raiders struggled early in this game, going into the half with only a 14 – 7 lead.  Starting quarterback Taylor Potts threw two interceptions, one returned for New Mexico’s only score of the half.  But after two hard sacks, Taylor Potts seemed to be a bit seasick aboard the pirate ship and so he was lifted for Steven Sheffield who was handed the giant wheel with all of the handles on it.  You know what I mean.  This one.


Sheffield came in and took care of business, throwing for 238 yards and three touchdowns.  And despite the obvious pain in Potts’ eyes and the field sobriety test they were giving him on the sideline, Mike Leach still took a cue from the Iraqi Information Minister, claiming that there were no injuries. 


Baylor  31  -  Kent State  15
To show you just how bad Kent State is, they get more than doubled up by Baylor, who was playing with their 3^rd string quarterback.  The Bears got outgained on the ground and in the air, but won the turnover battle and ultimately the game, which is really the only statistic that matters unless you are playing fantasy football.  Speaking of, I have finally given up fantasy football.  I got so tired of watching games, not caring so much who won, but hoping that this player would score three touchdowns, and that player would throw two interceptions, and this other player would stop eating his boogers.  And for the record, you there in the office, NOBODY cares how your fantasy team did.  Especially the people that aren’t in your league.  Please don’t come by my desk and tell me how you picked up Orville Pigstumper off of the waiver wire and he scored 3 TDs and you beat “The Nas-T- Boyz” 127 – 123.  Nobody scores that many points in a game, not even Tech.  You want to know my fantasy football?  It’s called a playoff.

Arkansas  47  -  Texas A&M  19
The Aggies came out of the gate with guns blazing, which is a metaphor that makes absolutely no sense.  But after a couple of early missed opportunities, Johnson and the Aggies went completely flaccid as the Razorbacks began to pile on the points heading into half time.  Jerrod certainly looks like he will be a solid quarterback, but he is going to have to get some protection from his offensive line.  The poor left tackle struggled all night long and I’m sure there is nothing for the psyche like replays of you getting abused on a screen the size of Noah’s Ark.  I’m not just saying that the Aggie o-line was bad, but I have seen better protection from one of these.

Yes, you read that correctly.  It is a thong maxi.

Miami  21  -  Oklahoma  20
In what was probably the best game of the weekend, the Sooners travel to Miami where they fall to the Hurricanes.  Miami did everything wrong in the first half, including throwing picks on the first two drives, which apparently was quite amusing as Hurricane quarterback Jacory Harris was seen laughing on the sideline.  Perhaps he was just giggling that the game was being played in a stadium named after a bad Saturday Night Live sketch.


The Hurricanes also downed a punt inside the one, and then gave up a 48 yard run on the next play.  But the tide quickly turned in the second half as the wheels started to come off of the Sooner Schooner.  Some other stuff happened that I didn’t see because I was at the A&M game, but the importance of the win certainly wasn’t overstated by Miami coach Randy Shannon, who said, “Big, huge win for us.  It’s huge.”  The Sooners hope to have Sam Bradford back before the start of Big XII play, and I do too because he lends himself to some really good jokes.

My 98 Cents Worth:

I think it is seriously time that we take a look at the job the bloated, overbearing gasbag known as the NCAA is doing.  From my opening sentence, you can probably guess which angle this section is going to take.

First, I know I have beaten a dead horse on this issue, and I certainly don’t want to keep going just to turn that horse into glue, but why can’t the NCAA decide a Div-I Football champion like every other sport does?  Even other divisions of the same sport.  I know the BCS conference commissioners run that part of the show, but you could easily throw them some bones with guaranteed seeding or somesuch.

Second, I know there are a lot of sketchy details in the Dez Bryant case.  I also realize that he was suspended for lying to the NCAA investigation committee, and that even though this isn’t a grand jury or a congressional hearing, if you are going to run something you can’t just allow people to lie to investigators without consequences.  But do you think that maybe the NCAA is just a little bit too controlling here?  I know that the company line is that these kids are allowed to get a free education in exchange for playing football, blah, blah, blah.  But let’s not kid ourselves.  College football is a money machine for the college and the NCAA.  It is a way for schools to get thousands of alumni to donate money that normally would just throw the letters in the trash.  The TV revenue, the exposure, there are all kinds of benefits for the schools and they have a great business model because they don’t have to pay most of their employees (at least the ones that people are paying to see.)

I know that we don’t want to turn this into professional sports and that we want to keep the playing field level by not allowing schools with more money to buy up the players they want and dominate the scene.  But couldn’t we find a way to cut the players in on the action a little bit? More than just a bag of change for laundry money?  Most of these players are not going to the NFL and are only going to graduate with a degree in Drunken Boxing or Navel Lint Management because the coaches shuffle them into the easiest majors they can find in order to keep them eligible.  And this has been going on forever.  My dad was a college baseball player and told me a story about how he had a scholarship offer from UT withdrawn when they found out he was going to major in Mechanical Engineering.  So please, let’s end the “but they are getting a free education” argument.

Third, I have had it with excessive celebration penalties, especially when they affect the outcome of a game.  Football is a game of emotion.  These kids are playing their hearts out on the field, and to tell them they have to respond like corpses shot full of Botox after making a game-changing play is asinine.  I can understand clamping down on things like taunting.  You don’t want players getting in the face of another player and doing a throat slash or pretending to “brokeback” him, but what is wrong with guys celebrating?  The fans are celebrating.  The school administrators are celebrating.  I’m sure many of the NCAA staff is celebrating.  Even some of the refs that have some action on the game may be celebrating.  Why not let the kids show some emotion? 

Until we can get these kinds of issues fixed, the NCAA will continue to be perceived as an overbearing Big Brother.  And until I can learn to write like a skilled writer, you are going to continue to get wandering, stream of thought prose with no fact checking and no outlining.  I love cookies.

Couch Potato’s Guide:

Now that is what I’m talking about.  All six Big XII games are on TV this week, including two pairs of games on at the same time.  This will allow you to wear out that “PREV” button that lets you rapidly flip back and forth between channels.  For the first few days I had my new universal remote, it would always take me to sultry Yoga shows on Fit TV.  After careful inspection, I noticed the button was actually labeled “PERV”, which made sense since I got it for $5 at a Japanese flea market.  Ooh, double homonym word score, POW POW!  The only one of you laughing right now is my former former boss the grammar-nazi-sportstard, but I have to throw him a bone every now and then to keep him reading.

Nebraska at Missouri  8:00 PM Yesterday on ESPN
Why not to watch:  You didn’t set your TiVo, because colleges shouldn’t play football on Thursday.
Who will win:  Nebraska, 27 Junior Varsity third string free safeties to 12.

Iowa State at Kansas  11:30 AM on Versus
Why not to watch:  Versus is for Hockey and shows about bowhunting.
Who will win:  Kansas,  24 Chewy Nugents to 14.

Oklahoma State at Texas A&M  11:30 AM on FSN
Why to watch:  Because A&M might actually have a chance after OSU top receiver Dez Bryant was suspended indefinitely for having dinner with Deion Sanders.  This would not be the first time that a bunch of Cowboys got screwed over by Deion.
Who will win:   Oklahoma State,  28 half-hearted shoulder tackles to 24.

Baylor at Oklahoma  2:30 PM on ABC
Why to watch:  To see how the Sooners respond to the loss to Miami and potentially the gain of Bradford.
Who will win:  Oklahoma,  48 clipboard holding scholarship athletes to 17.

Kansas State at Texas Tech  6:00 PM on FSN
Why to watch:  To see what happens when the two squintiest coaches in the Big XII square off.
Who will win:  Texas Tech,  45 crows feet to 31.

Colorado at Texas  6:15 PM on ESPN
Why not to watch:  Colorado blows and is going to get destroyed by Texas.
Who will win:  Texas, 52 pretend coach’s sons to 12 real ones.

Conclusion

Well that about wraps it up for this week.  It is good to see the Big XII getting some TV coverage, even if I am telling you some of the games aren’t worth watching.  I want to thank the 110 of you that are fans on Facebook.  This afternoon I will start posting links on Facebook to other things I have written before I started writing the Retort.  Things such as letters to customer service, usually with inane product suggestions.  Several of them even got responses.  If you want to be a fan or just see the links, search Facebook for “Psychoag” and click on the picture of me in my 12^th Man Jersey.  If you don’t use Facebook, you can also email me at and I can email you the links.  I am also planning a video shoot at the A&M – Tech tailgate and am looking for some folks to cast in a few roles.  Details on the Facebook page.

Emails of any kind are always appreciated at , just be sure to put RETORT or something in the subject line so it won’t get stuck in the spam filter.

If you want to post your favorites lines (which is my favorite part of writing this) or share your thoughts with other readers you can do so on the Raiderpower forums here.

Random shouts go out to Deion Sanders (for giving us a chance this week by doing something none of our cornerbacks could probably do, shutting down Dez Bryant), Al Gore (for inventing the Internet), and Debra Medina (I help write some press releases for her Texas Governor’s campaign).