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Introduction:
It is a good thing I don’t gamble on sports, because otherwise I would
be hanging upside-down from a balcony by a stereotype named “Guido”.
My picks were particularly horrendous last week as I only got 2 of 6
right, and that wasn’t even picking against the spread.
Okay, I am going to take a detour here.
Last night (Thursday), which is normally the night
when I finish up The Retort, I spent most of it throwing up in my first ever
non-Goldschlager induced vomiting.
Never had a stomach bug before, so this was a new
experience. Also a new experience was the feeling of Rosa’s
fajitas (which I had covered in jalapenos) being ejected through my nasal
cavity.
Highly unpleasant, I can assure you, sort of like what I
imagine tear gas feels like.
At first, I thought God may have been playing a
practical joke on me due to a joke a used in the
Texas
– OU write up.
Then, I thought it was something I ate, but my
four-year-old daughter had the same thing, and in the Venn diagram of things we
both eat, there is only a faint sliver that overlaps, and it contains bananas,
pizza and cookies, none of which was likely to be the cause of our distress.
So, I can only conclude that it was a short acting
stomach bug because I feel much better this morning.
Assuming that neither of us is running a fever, we
will be headed out to Lubbock
this afternoon so that I can witness another event tomorrow evening that very
well may induce the same response as the stomach bug.
Just for fun, I am putting everything I wrote
post-vomit in blue text, just to see if my writing style has differed.
You will also get a chance to see just how much I
jump around while I am writing this.
So let’s grab our air sickness bags and get ready to
barrel roll.
20/20 Hindsight:
Texas
16 -
Oklahoma
13
We’ve come to expect classic matchups whenever the Horns and Sooners square
off in Laura Miller’s Toilet.
However, this was not one of them. Sam Bradford had his college career ended
almost as soon as the game started due to his offensive line’s penchant for
playing the role of a cape-waving matador, only without the part where they stab
the defensive end with a sword. Or
maybe it was the fact that the Longhorns could only ring up 269 total yards and
the Sooners posted a jaw-dropping -16 yards rushing which means they would have
been better off just spiking the ball.
Perhaps it was the combined 21 penalties for 228 yards that gave this
game the face only a mother could love.
Still, my vote is the fact that between the two teams they coughed up
more balls than a bulimic at a calf fry with Texas giving it away three times and the
Sooners returning the favor five times of their own.
There really isn’t much to say about this game other than the fact that
Texas
doesn’t yet appear to be a national championship contender, and could be the
worst 6 – 0 team in history.
Oklahoma
State
33 -
Missouri
17
The OSU Cowboys continue to climb back up in the
rankings, even with out Dez “You Lie!” Bryant hauling in passes for them.
Missouri came out rolling, but couldn’t get
anything going in the second half and failed to put up any more points.
The Tigers piled up yards, but their 3 – 15 on third
downs combined with four turnovers sealed their fate.
Texas Tech
31 -
Nebraska
10
This game featured the two most confused looking coaches in the NCAA in Mike
Leach and Bo Pelini.
I can’t help but think that if you were telling a joke to the two of them that
you would be compelled to back track and repeat the punchline about three times.
You know, kind of like how Jay Leno tells EVERY joke.
The Red Raiders didn’t stun everyone with their offense, the week after
Sheffield throws for 490 yards and 7 TDs, but instead got it done by Ruffin the
Quarterback (rock me) as McNeil’s defense totaled 5 sacks and held Air Husker to
a single touchdown. If this Raider
team can put the offense and defense together, not only will they create a word
that will piss off my spell checker, but they can beat any team in the Big XII.
I’m just praying that odfefense holds off for another week.
Unfortunately for the Raiders it appears that
Sheffield will be out with a broken foot, meaning the are going to
be stuck playing their starter.
Colorado
34 -
Kansas
30
Well this one was certainly an upset.
Dan Hawkins did what my pony-league baseball coach
never could, which was to pull his son for someone that could actually be
effective.
Tyler Hansen, not to be confused with Taylor Hanson the
effeminate child MMMBop singer, took off his redshirt, put on a jersey and came
out to lead the Buffaloes to a win over 17th ranked Kansas.
The Buffalae scored 24 points in the second quarter
and held on to win 34 – 30.
I can only wonder how many Dorito’s were consumed in
Boulder that night, both on the part of the celebrating Buffalo fans and Coach
Mangino, who no doubt locked himself in his hotel room for an orange dust tinged
pity party.
Iowa State 24
- Baylor
10
The Bears continue to suffer through their backup
quarterback woes, this time allowing
Iowa
State up off the mat
with their first Big XII win since 2007.
The one time starter Blake Szymanski, whose name
would totally tear up a game of Scrabble, passed for 223 yards, but with 3 INTs
and no touchdowns.
According to the ESPN writeup, before the second
half kickoff a rabbit ran onto the field, blew through the
Iowa
State kickoff
coverage and into the endzone, prompting Baylor coach Art Briles to tender him a
scholarship offer.
Okay, I added that last part.
Kansas
State
62 -
Texas A&M
14
Good freaking grief. The only
thing I can think of is that Will Smith pulled out that little flashy thing from
Men In Black and completely erased the minds of the A&M football team, wiping
out basic motor skills in the process.
After an Aggie fumble on the second play of the game, the Wildcats
quickly jumped out to a 17 – 0 first quarter lead, and went to the locker room
up 38 – 0 at the half. Now, if you
are a coach, what kind of motivational speech do you give when you are getting
completely donkeypunched on the road?
Apparently it went something like this, “Okay, we’re going to go out
there and kick the ball deep. I want
everyone to get out of their lanes, and show me a whole bunch of shoulder
tackles, and let’s see if we can’t let them take one to the house.”
For once, the Aggie team followed the game plan, leading to Brandon
Banks’ 97 yard kick return to open the second half.
Even the seemingly secure Jerrod Johnson who had gone 242 pass attempts
without throwing an interception decided he would be extra generous, throwing
three picks and getting sacked six times.
But the good news, according to the announcers, is that this is a young
team, which means they will be around for three more years…
My 98 Cents Worth:
Tailgating
I had originally planned on doing a writeup here
about the joys of tailgating and how it is one of the ways that college football
is made even greater.
However, given that I don’t really want to talk a
whole lot about food right now, and it is already
10:15
on Friday, I think I will save this for next week.
Couch Potato’s Guide:
Iowa
State at Nebraska
11:30 on FSN
Why to watch:
You want to watch football in the morning and you
live in Big XII Nouth territory.
The Cornhusker try to recover from getting bested at
home by the Raiders, while Iowa
State
tries to figure out what a conference winning streak is.
I think the wrath of the Huskers will more than
overcome.
Who will win:
Nebraska
pours on the High Fructose Corn Syrup
41 - 10
Oklahoma
State at Baylor
11:30 on Versus
Why to watch:
You want to watch football in the morning and you
live in Big XII South territory.
Both teams are missing a key ingredient to their
offense, but I think Baylor is going to be the one leaving with a bad taste in
their mouth.
Who will win:
Oklahoma
State 51 Magic Meatloafs to 12.
Colorado at
Kansas
State 11:30 on FCS
Why to watch:
Really?
Three games on at the same time?
Do we have Rain Man negotiating on TV contracts?
Both teams come in on a high from wins last week,
although in the case of Colorado
I think a lot more Visine was involved. I still think the LOLcats may be the
better team, but this quarterback change may spark up the Buffalo offense.
Advantage to KSU
playing at home.
Who will win:
Kansas
State,
35 glasses-wearing woodchucks to 28.
Oklahoma at
Kansas
2:30 on ABC
Why to watch:
Two solid Big XII teams that took it on the chin
last week look to rebound.
Kansas still looks to
figure in the conference race while
Oklahoma
may just be playing for the bowl pecking order.
Kansas
has the better quarterback at this point, and is playing at home, but the OU
defense is solid, making for an interesting matchup.
Who will win:
Kansas
17 lowered expectations to 10.
Texas at
Missouri
7:00 on ABC
Why to watch:
A prime time matchup between Big XII teams, that’s
why.
Texas has been playing with fire all season
and eventually they are going to get burned.
Is
Missouri
the team to get it done?
And so help me, if any of you just said, “Get R
Done!” allow me to e-smack you.
Ooh, check out my abs and my Wolverine haircut.
Who will win:
Night games on the road are tough.
I am going to go out on a limb and pick the Tigers
to upset.
24 burnt oranges to 21.
Texas A&M at
Texas
Tech 6:00
Why not to watch: Because it is
the only Big XII game not on TV this week.
Why? Because none of the
sports channels will carry programming with a TV-MA rating (disturbing images).
Based on “football math”, which is a course only offered at OU, since
Tech beat Kansas State 66 – 14, and
Kansas
State beat A&M 62 – 14,
then by all rights, Tech should beat A&M 128 – 28.
I hope they are fitting the scoreboard in Lubbock for that third
digit, because they just may need it.
Who will win:
You know what?
I am going to say Tech wins doing the Safety Dance,
2 – 0.
In Conclusion:
I’m not sure what is going on in the Big
XII.
The following teams all had negative rushing yards this
week:
Kansas, Oklahoma, Texas A&M, and
Tech only had 25.
Who would have thought you would have seen Tech
outrush those three teams?
Other than that, I think I am spent.
The Psychoag Facebook page just hit the 150 fan
mark, so for those of you that are fans, I will be posting some bonus material,
this time a letter I wrote about 10 years ago to my home builder bitching about
my attic steps.
If you want to become a fan, just search for
Psychoag on the Facebook search engine.
For those of you that don’t use Facebook but want to
read the letters, let me know and I will send you a direct link.
You can always send me email at
psychoag98@yahoo.com
I love reading them and try to respond to all of
them.
You can also discuss with your fellow Retords on the
RaiderPower Forums here.
I will also be tailgating out a the game, assuming
that my kiddo’s fever comes down.
The little one is staying here with mama, but my
4-year-old really wants to make the trip.
I will be checking out
Smoking
Grills Gone Wild as well as some other tailgates
in the area, and may even be rolling some film if I can keep everything
together.
Love,
Psychoag
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