Untitled 1
Introduction:
First of all, thank you to all of those of you who sent kind words, said
prayers, sent thoughtful emails, or even wished me dead because it was opposite
day. After my most unglorious
evening spent in my converted vomitorium, I was able to get things pulled
together enough to take my four-year-old daughter to Lubbock for the game.
Further proving that I don’t fact check, even when it comes to the events
of my own life, it turns out that I did in fact have one previous round of
upchuckage that was not due to any gold fleck laden cinnamon schnapps.
I had somehow forgotten about the deep sea fishing trip we decided to
make during Tropical Storm Andrew, where we tackled 12 foot swells for six hours
aboard the Texsun II. And I will
leave it at that. As for the game, I
must admit it feels good to finally see a win in
Lubbock
after sitting through 7 straight losses dating back to 1995 when Zach Thomas
intercepted a Corey Pullig pass and took it to the house.
So, if you will grant me a moderately loud “Whoop!”, I will then continue
on with the column.
20/20 Hindsight:
Iowa
State 9
- Nebraska
7
Iowa
State
came in completely overmatched in a game they were underdogs by almost 3
touchdowns, with several key injuries and a handful of other players slowed by
mud butt. Yet it was the Cornhusker
offense that played like the caca-doody and the stinky-stinky.
(There are about three of you out there that will actually get that
Chapelle’s Show reference but I am leaving it in anyway.)
Despite outgaining the Cyclones, Nebraska had more
senseless giveaways than a ‘90s job fair, including four inside the five yard
line, which ultimately proved to be their undoing.
And it doesn’t look good for the Huskers as this marks their second
straight home loss, and the first time Iowa
State
has won on the road against Nebraska
since 1977. In fact, I don’t think
we’ve seen this disappointed of a
Lincoln
since Honest Abe on his honeymoon.
Woof.
Oklahoma
State
34 -
Baylor
7
Zac Robinson has this football thing down.
He is the football equivalent of a surgeon, and not one of those hacks
that cuts off the wrong leg and accidentally leaves a hospital gown in your
abdomen when he stitches you up, I mean one of those good kind.
The OSU scalpel jockey completed 23 of 27 for 250 yards and 3 touchdowns
en route to slicing up the Baylor defense.
He did it without the help of wide receiver standout Dez Bryant, who
looks to be suspended for the remainder of the season.
The 85% completion percentage broke coach Mike Gundy’s record of 77% that
he had against Kansas
in 1989. “I hope he breaks them
all,” said Gundy who was obviously lying.
On the other side of the field, the Baylor Bears made the horrific
decision of wearing all gold uniforms in celebrating their Homecoming.
Compounding that fact, the uniforms were kind of washed out looking,
creating a look that somewhat resembled clay-colored stools.
You know what? I like that.
I think I am going to reinvent myself as a country singer named Clay
Stools.
Kansas
State
20 -
Colorado
6
I couldn’t really think of anything to write here, so I just turned it over
to some Colorado
fans and let them write it for me.
Dude? Is this thing on?
Sweet. Football is starting
to suck. Remember when they used to
have five downs? That was awesome.
And why do they call it football, that’s like so, you know, so, did you
watch Spongebob yesterday? That was
awesome. Our quarterback is
terrible. 10 for 23 for 95 yards and
two picks? Not cool.
Okay, thanks guys. Last time
I do that.
Oklahoma
35 -
Kansas
13
The Sooners Defense continues to prove that I really don’t know much of
anything about football. A week
after I crow about how great Todd Reesing is, the crimson creamers pull down
interceptions on each of Kansas’
first three possessions. OU has been
able to smooth over the season ending injury of “He Who Stares at Bridge of Nose” primarily by relying on a pretty
salty defense. Maybe not “State Fair
Pretzel” salty, but getting pretty close.
The problem is that being one game behind Texas, and having lost to them, it is going
to be very tough for them to catch the Longhorns this season.
In fact, I think I have a better chance of lassoing a cocktail peanut
from the back of a mechanical bull.
I really have no idea what that means or why I wrote it.
Texas A&M
52 -
Texas Tech
30
Man, I did not see this coming.
In fact, I doubt that anyone did.
Normally before this game, both sides are going back and forth talking a little
smack, crowing about how their school is going to win.
This scene was far different, in that each side spent the whole time
trying to convince their opponent that THEY were going to win.
It was like watching two British guys with monocles trying to enter a
building. “After you.”
“No, after you.” “I insist
after you.” “Bank error in your
favor, collect 200 dollars.” It was
just wheird. And the game started
out like the Aggie fans were right.
Tech converts a fourth and one for a touchdown on the first drive, only to have
A&M hand it right back to them. But
then things got a little crazy.
First of all, Tech got bitten by the penalty bug, which is similar to a
mosquito, only far more irritating and it won’t give you West Nile Virus.
Drive killing penalties on offense and drive extending penalties when on
defense kept the Aggies in the game and even let them build a bit of lead.
Then the Aggies defense got into the picture as NCAA sack leader Von Miller played the pigeon to Taylor Potts’ statue, crapping all over him in the
backfield and leading to three turnovers before he was pulled in favor of Seth Doege as the students rained down chants of “No More Potts!”
I think one of the key advantages for A&M was that they had so many
freshmen and sophomores that had never played a game in
Lubbock
and didn’t realize they were supposed to lose.
Kansas
State
20 -
Colorado
6
Hey, it’s us again. The
Colorado
fans. Like, did you guys really just
say “No More Potts”? Um, if you’re
serious, could you like, maybe, send him our way?
We’ll take any Potts we can get.
That would be rad. Oh, and
some Funyuns.
Texas
41 -
Missouri
7
The Longhorns break tradition by actually coming out and dominating the
first half of the game. The soon to
be love slave of Brent Musburger’s underground perv dungeon put up solid numbers
completing 26 of 31 for three touchdowns and one pick.
Meanwhile, on the other sideline, the Tigers didn’t get such an effort
from Blaine Gabbert, a name which sounds funny when you hear it come from a
nasally voice like mine, as he completes just half his passes, going 8 for 16
with 84 yards and a touchdown. Coach
Gary Pinkel said, “I don’t care if it’s the New England Patriots, I expect them
to play better than that.” To which
his players responded, “LOL SRSLY?
WTF?” The Horns continue to lead the
pack and although I still see flaws in their game, nobody has knocked them off
yet.
My 98 Cents Worth:
Tailgating
This past weekend, I got to do one of my favorite things associated with
college football. No, I don’t mean
listening to Dave South on the radio, I am talking about tailgating.
There is just something about sitting out with a group of fellow fans,
eating freshly grilled meat, drinking home brewed beer and talking sports that
just makes things better. The
absolute best time to tailgate is before the game, because nobody is pissed off
yet and fans from all schools can join together in a veritable Kum-Ba-Yah of
sportsmanship. There is always a sea of RVs
with generators blaring, school flags waving and grills that are larger than
most people’s living rooms. I have
one of those Coleman Fire and Ice grills that is kind of an odd combination of
an ice chest and a propane-fueled George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling
Machine. I made the mistake of showing up with it to a tailgate a few years ago.
Someone actually picked my grill up and cooked it on top of their grill.
I have now learned the secret to successful tailgating:
if you don’t have the proper equipment for conducting a successful
tailgate, just show up at someone else’s with beer and cash for the donations
jar. Pol Pot could crash a tailgate
if he had a twacker of Shiner Bock and a couple Andrew Jacksons.
The problem with today’s tailgating scene is that the event hosts have gotten
wise to it and have started to over-regulate the pregame festivities.
It didn’t work for the financial industry and it isn’t going to work for
the tailgate industry either.
Whether it is making rules about how much space you can take up or charging
$2000 just to have a space to begin with, schools and pro teams are slowly
crippling the ability of the fans to show up and have a good time.
I would love to see a new stadium built with a whole endzone dedicate to
tailgaters, so you could just grill up some brontosaurus ribs and tap a keg of
Natty Light right there during the game.
This past weekend, I got to hangout at “Smoking Grills Gone Wild”, an annual
event in Raiderland held during either the A&M game or the
Texas game,
depending on which one is in Lubbock
that year. Great food, some homemade
beer and the chance to hang out with a bunch of fellow Retords.
There were several other tailgates I meant to get to, but I got into town
late due to the yakfest I mentioned last week.
The downside to tailgates is the postgame tailgate.
The reason for this is you can guarantee that about half the people are
going to be upset due to the outcome.
Or in the case of SGGW, about 95% of them.
Fortunately, everyone was still civil and put up with my goofy grin for
quite a while before duct taping me in a cooler.
Coach Potato’s Guide:
Nebraska
at Baylor
11:30 am on Versus
Why not to watch: The battle of
two subpar offenses plays out on a subpar network.
Who will win: I have to say that
there is no way that Nebraska
loses a third straight game, even if it is on the road in Waco.
Huskers win, 14 loose foots to 6.
Missouri
at Colorado
12:30 am on FSN
Why not to watch: Two struggling
teams from the North do battle to see who can slip into obscurity first.
Plus, this way you won’t have to listen to the announcers talk about
altitude for 3 hours.
Who will win: Missouri , 28 nose
boulders to 16 city of Boulders.
Iowa
State
at Texas A&M
2:30 pm
Why not to watch: Because once
again, the Aggies plan in the only Big XII game not on television.
I think “Cop Rock” spent more time on the air than the 2009 Aggies.
Who will win: Given that the Aggies
are 0 – 3 when on TV and 4 – 0 when they aren’t, this bodes well for the
maroons. Aggies win this one 35
“Joanie Loves Chachis” to 21 “That ‘80s Shows”.
Kansas
at Texas Tech
2:30 pm on ABC
Why to watch: Two teams upset
last week look to rebound. Todd
Reesing tries to not make me look like such an idiot and Mike Leach tries to get
back into the good graces of his players’ girlfriends.
Who will win: I think with Seth
Doege M.D. at the helm and with the game in Lubbock that the Raiders have the best chance
to bounce back. However, since my
picks are a kiss of death, I will do the Raider Nation a solid and pick Kansas to win
48 Vinny Delpinos to 42 Not-So-Fat Girlfriends named Wanda.
Kansas
State
at Oklahoma
6:00 pm
on FSN
Why to watch: Battle of the two
one-loss teams in the Big XII as they try and work their way back to the top of
the pecking order and into the hearts of the various bowl selection committees,
who, like the scarecrow, do seem to have hearts but oftentimes appear to be
missing a brain.
Who will win: I think
Oklahoma is
the better team, especially with their great big D.
This game isn’t in Kansas anymore, Sooners win 21 flying monkeys
to 13 men behind the curtain.
Texas
at Oklahoma State
7:00 pm on ABC
Why to watch: The premiere
matchup of the week as undefeated Big XII South teams square off in a game with
so much orange it will look like The Great Pumpkin ate a whole trick-or-treat
bag full of laxatives.
Who will win: If history is any
guide, Oklahoma
State will pull a Greg
Norman and jump out to an early lead and then fail to hang on when it counts.
Longhorns continue to be the shakiest undefeated team in the country, 38
Blockheads to 35 Good Griefs.
In Conclusion:
I hope everyone is enjoying this fall weather, well except for the
monsoons. Make sure you shuffle your
kids hurriedly through the neighborhood to gather razor blade laden apples from
perverts in time to get back and watch the big games of the evening.
The Facebook site now has 166 fans, and so shouts go out to all of you.
Random shouts out to Man With No Name for hosting yet another successful
SGGW and my uncle Mark who got me tickets to the game, even though it meant he
had to sit by me the entire time.
For the Facebook fans, I will be including a letter I wrote to the Betty Ford
Clinic about a particular Halloween addiction that I have been coping with.
As always, I can be reached at
psychoag98@yahoo.com and I really love reading your emails.
You can also discuss in the
Raiderpower Forums here.
|